WHO ARE YOU /
BENEATH YOUR CONDITIONING?

The Imago Blueprint — or how Early Relationships Shape Love, Work, and Identity

Many people come to therapy asking why the same patterns keep appearing — in love, in conflict, or in moments of disconnection. These patterns are not accidental, and they are not signs of failure.

In Imago therapy, we understand relationships as meaningful. Who we are drawn to, how we respond to closeness, and what feels familiar in love are shaped by early relational experiences. These experiences form an unconscious blueprint — an Imago — that quietly guides adult relationships and life choices.

Your patterns make sense.

Why do I keep choosing emotionally unavailable partners?

We are often drawn to relationships that feel familiar, even when they are painful. Early relationships teach us what love feels like, how connection works, and what we must do to stay close.

The child and the unavailable “Other”

In Lacanian terms, the parent (early caregivers) is the Other — the place from which love, meaning, and recognition come.

When a parent is emotionally unavailable:

• The child doesn’t get clear, reliable signals of love

• The parent’s desire feels enigmatic, inconsistent, or withdrawn

• The child is left asking (usually unconsciously):
  “What do they want from me?”
  “What do I need to do to be loved?”

This matters because Lacan says desire is born in the gap — not from having needs met, but from uncertainty about the Other’s desire. So the child learns:

Love is something you work for, wait for, or decode, not something that simply arrives.

That structure sticks.

When care or emotional presence was inconsistent, distant, or unpredictable, love can become associated with effort, longing, or waiting. As adults, this can show up as attraction to emotionally unavailable partners — not because we want to suffer, but because the nervous system recognizes this dynamic as meaningful and known.

Your relationships are not random. They are organized around early learning.

Is this repetition a problem — or an attempt?

Repetition is not a mistake. It is often an unconscious attempt to resolve something unfinished.

Each familiar dynamic carries the quiet hope:
“This time, I’ll be seen.”
“This time, it will be different.”

Imago therapy does not pathologize this repetition. Instead, we work with it respectfully, understanding it as a doorway into deeper awareness and change. Is the emotionally unavailable really attractive — or is it simply a mirror, inviting you to notice the parts of yourself you have yet to meet, or where you may be emotionally unavailable too?

Is this only about romantic relationships?

No. The Imago blueprint shapes far more than how we love. The same early adaptations that influence intimacy often shape:

• Personality traits

• Work ethic and ambition

• Perfectionism and over-responsibility

• How we respond to authority, feedback, and pressure

• The professions and roles we choose

• How easily we rest, receive, or ask for support

For many people, excellence became a way to stay connected — to be seen, valued, or chosen. These strategies are not flaws. They are intelligent adaptations that once served an important purpose.